SUMMARY KEYWORDS
jealousy, jealous, people, life, speak, feel, agree, relationship, laughter, feeling, important, instinctive, expo, episode, left, podcast, conversation, listeners, person
SPEAKERS
Kathi, Daisy
Daisy 00:03
Bald and Blonde, welcome to the Mindset Evolution podcast. Hear about tip, trick skills, tools, inspiration, mental hygiene, know what you want and how to create what you desire to achieve predictable results and create a content life wherever you are. And here are your hosts Kathi Tait and Daisy Papp.
Kathi 00:27
And hello everybody, and welcome to another episode, in fact, Episode 50 of Bald and Blonde Mindset Evolution. I'm Kathi Tait, the baldwarrior, your host from Down Under and with me, as always is Daisy Papp from Florida Keys. Hi Daisy, how about that? Episode 50!
Daisy 00:50
Well, I'm so confused with the numbers and with the counting. First of all, hello to the world. Hello to you, my dear friend. I'm so confused with the numbers because we have Season One, then we have Season Two and now we're in Season Three, but you count it as Episode 50. And now I don't even remember (laughter) which episode is it, are we in Season Three, it's episode number four, or five or three. And then she says 50. (Laughter) But actually, yes, in total, it is amazing, and I'm so excited that we have these episodes and that we count them, and that we do them and produce them and we put so much love and passion in them. And the feedback that we received from over 50 countries, grasping that they are people interested in hearing what we have to say because it helps them, they feel better, they feel more balanced, they get better results in their life in 50 different countries. That is such an amazing impact that is filled with love and filled with passion and comes right here from my heart from the Florida Keys. And I know it's coming right there from your heart, from Brisbane, Australia. And we are truly literally embracing the world. And it is so joyful.
Kathi 02:08
It is amazing like to just imagine, and I have this map on the wall behind me. And I'm actually going to do little red dots for all of our countries and put up a video on Facebook. So make sure you check out the BaldandBlonde Facebook page guys to see where all our listeners are, it's astounding. Some of the country's I've had to look up the names, because I didn't know where they were. So it is just mind blowing. I mean we're happy to have every single one of you listen with us each week and make sure you share it with your family and friends. Because we know that it's helpful and we know that everybody, regardless of where they live, or how they've been brought up, faces the same issues on a humanitarian level. And that's what we're talking to, we're talking to the infallible human side of you, I should say fallible, not infallible,
Daisy 03:05
That is so important to recognize, not only realize, but also recognize that we're all humans. You see,
Kathi 03:13
Yes.
Daisy 03:14
And this diversity announcement and yes, diverse this, diverse that and yes, we need to change the world in this way and that way, and what the media is really trying to guide us to think their way, I'm totally against it, because there's only very few new media outlets that are telling very valuable aspects of reality, as I humbly perceive them, not trying to judge them. But I realized that globally, all the media is reporting about the same things that just cannot be that they want to tell us what is important. Because I see here on your map, there behind you, and when I go through the list of the countries that we are so much more connected than the media will ever want us to know, because it's dangerous.
Kathi 04:06
Well, they are controlled by a very small number of power bases, that's for sure. But getting back to our worldwide audience and speaking to each other on a humanitarian level, recognizing that despite our cultural or religious or age or gender differences, we all still face the same thought patterns and the same humanness is in us all, we're all fallible, we all make mistakes in a way where we have to keep evolving and learning, even though we don't believe we actually make mistakes. We've done an episode on that. Look it up. What I want to talk about today goes right into that sort of thought that we are just humans and we are going to face emotion sometimes that the best of us might still even experience despite how learned we become, because it's such a human thing to feel instinctively, right?
Daisy 05:07
Wait, wait, wait, feel instinctively? Well, that is one thing. But there are also thoughts that can lead to specific feelings based on traditions and cultures.
Kathi 05:18
Yes
Daisy 05:18
So it's not only instinctive, we can also disconnect ourselves from these automatic processes that, oh, for example, now the neighbor's dog died and now I have to wear black for one year, because the grief year is one years, 365 days. And now, you see, so there are different aspects in different countries, different backgrounds. So it is not instinctive. I do not agree, instinctively.
Kathi 05:45
I think some things can be instinctive because of your conditioning.
Daisy 05:50
Yes. Automatic belief system responses. Yes.
Daisy 05:52
That's the direction I'm coming from and I think that the topic today is directly in line with that. And that's what I want to talk about it. Yes. It is jealousy.
Daisy 06:06
Oh, jealousy.
Kathi 06:07
Yes. Now, you can understand why I say it could be an instinctive response based on your own belief systems. And whether subconscious or not, you're programming that you've been brought up in a certain way to believe certain things. And it's a hot topic, I think, because I do actually think that a lot of people think it is instinctive and cannot be changed as well, which is another reason to talk about it.
Daisy 06:36
So I have a little bit of a problem when it comes to the word definition of instinctive because my definition may be different. And I just like to clarify that instinctive is something we're born with. So we see it in the animal, we're...
Kathi 06:48
Okay. No, I'm not using it in that context. So that's a good point. I'm using it in the context that we feel it without wanting to, it's just there.
Daisy 07:01
So it's not voluntarily.
Kathi 07:03
Right, like falling in love. I have fallen in love before, and then I've dated other people, there's no way I'm in love with them. Most people know the difference. That falling in love feels like it's something you can't change or stop. It just is this overpowering type of emotion. And I think that jealousy can be perceived as the same sort of thing. But I know that you will have an opinion about how we could change that, and not let it overtake us. Because I think it's a big thing in the world, and not just in romantic relationships, either. There's professional jealousy that I've experienced in my life.
Daisy 07:45
Me too.
Kathi 07:46
That's why I want to talk about it. I think it's an important topic.
Daisy 07:49
I agree with you.
Kathi 07:49
And I hope I haven't made too much of a mess of introducing it. I hope it's not too confusing for our audience. So when I say instinctive, that's what I mean that you feel like you cannot stop it happening.
Daisy 08:02
Yeah,
Kathi 08:03
not
Daisy 08:03
it just happens
Kathi 08:04
in the direction of the where do we go? Yes.
Daisy 08:07
Well, so I agree with you that jealousy knows no boundaries, no borders, I see it when I work with my international clientele, different cultures, different backgrounds, different age, different gender, different sexual orientations. And the jealousy can sneak in to all of them. So I agree. And not only romantically, but professionally, in the family, platonically, in sports, in all different areas of life. Now, what is jealousy actually? So we want to define actually what happens because the word, people know how it's written, they know how to spell it, they know how to pronounce it, and they know how it feels, jealousy. But actually, what's behind jealousy? Doesn't it mean that well, what you have, I cannot have?
Kathi 08:58
Mmm
Daisy 08:59
Doesn't it mean that, oh, when you give attention to Johnny, then you don't have enough potential for me? So again, I'm excluding the possibility that I could have it or I can have it, I deserve it as well. Because you let's say you can have five cousins and you may like them just alike, in different ways. You will have different aspects that you share with them, different aspects of your life, different hobbies, different conversations, different topics of conversations. Maybe with Johnny you have spiritual conversations, maybe with Elizabeth you have wonderful, deep poetic conversations. Maybe with someone else who is a librarian, you enjoy speaking about literature. So that doesn't mean that because you speak with one person, great spiritual conversations, and now with librarian you speak about great poetry or about literature or you speak about philosophy. Can you really measure which one you enjoy more? No, because you need them all. If I ask an athlete, world class athlete, okay, which is your favorite exercise that you do to train for the competition, they usually don't want to pick one. Because if they favor one, they immediately put down the other, smart move. Because if I already put down one of them, then I feel not so
Kathi 10:27
enthusiastic?.
Daisy 10:30
That's very good, enthusiastic to do the ones that are lower, they say, no, this is complete, and one step after another leads me to the competition or to the gold medal or to the World Championships, see.
Kathi 10:43
Yeah, absolutely. And we spoke about that last episode, didn't we, in saying, words matter. But what I want to come back to is something that you've described, and I just want to lock it down. So what's behind the jealousy is like a feeling of you couldn't have it yourself, or you're lacking it.
Daisy 11:02
I wonder. I ask questions. It was not a statement.
Kathi 11:05
Yeah
Daisy 11:06
Because here's what I'm trying to do. I would like our listeners out there to think for themselves. So is it maybe because you're jealous of Johnny or you're jealous of Lucy because you feel oh, when they have it, then I can't have it? Or does it come from a point of view, or an emotional point, energy in motion? Or from the feelings that oh, when Lucy has more then I will have less? That's my question. I want the listeners out there to start thinking about it. I'd like you to give me an example, when you felt jealous, or someone who felt jealous, to not do it this direct, maybe somebody who you observed who was jealous, it's probably better.
Kathi 11:46
Okay, so well, I did have an incident happen the other day where I was with two friends and one friend left. And I think it was because they felt jealous of the connection I had and the fun I was having with the other person.
Daisy 12:03
Okay.
Kathi 12:03
Is that an example?
Daisy 12:04
That is an example, yes; it's an assumption.
Kathi 12:07
Yeah. Well,
Daisy 12:08
because it's not spoken about it
Kathi 12:10
it was spoken about the next day.
Daisy 12:13
Okay,
Kathi 12:13
but not really admitted. But it's my observation that I believe that's probably where it was rooted.
Daisy 12:20
Well, when that happens. I think it is also a good moment, when we are in a group of people that we create an ambience where everyone feels part of.
Kathi 12:32
Absolutely agree, but this person left before that could even happen. It was quite abrupt. And yeah, they had no interest in even trying to create that with us. So that was quite interesting when you stand back from it.
Daisy 12:50
Okay, so now I usually don't do that, but let's assume she was jealous, or he was jealous. Now, let's put ourselves in their shoes for a moment. We cannot physically, but we can in our thinking processing and our thoughts, we can. So they observe two people having great fun, great conversation, and they feel left out. They took it personally.
Kathi 13:13
Yes, I think so.
Daisy 13:14
Okay, meaning that it might have triggered, I'm not saying this is the case, it might have triggered something like insecurity, oh, well, of course, they can speak so freely and I don't have a story to tell. So feeling of not being good enough. Because if they would be fulfilled with themselves filled, I'm using that word on purpose filled up with worth, with self-worth, or with self-care, or with self-fun.
Kathi 13:44
Yeah
Daisy 13:44
Because look, when you and I go to a theatre, where they're playing a great comedy, or a really great play that's just so humorous that people almost fall off the chairs, because it's so funny, we expect us to be the observer. And then, then we are observing, and we enjoyed that observation. But the moment we are part of, then all of a sudden, well, so they do that, I want to do that, too. So I choose not to be the observer. Now your friend who was there and left abruptly, there is a possibility that they may have been in a moment of their lives, in their mind, in their emotional state that, well, I want to participate, and I don't want to be the observer. And they didn't speak up, hey, I'd like to participate instead of just leaving. But to the basics of jealousy, and I give you a very harsh example, and probably many of our listeners have heard of stories like that, or have experienced that for themselves, or were at the receiving end or maybe at the active end, betrayal in a relationship. Let's say in a relationship, monogamous, committed relationship, because that's how it started, let's say, and one cheats with someone else. Then something happens within us that the intimacy that I was committed to only live with you and only enjoy with you and only have with you, you betrayed that and you gave it away therefore it lost value, and I'm grieving. You not appreciating that great value, or the same value that it has to me.
Kathi 15:20
Yeah.
Daisy 15:20
So you see, the jealousy itself is not the jealousy itself. There's so many different angles to it, and aspects to it
and ingredients to it.
Kathi 15:29
Yes.
Daisy 15:29
So under the jealousy then, is even the hurt, much stronger. But we don't want to admit that I'm so hurt, that I become jealous. So it's an internal job, it's an inside job. Now, would it bother me to a degree if someone plays on my jealousy? I'm not a jealous person, I do not consider myself as a jealous person because very clearly, I see that you want to play polo with someone else although I want to play polo with you. Then why would I want to play polo with someone who doesn't want to play polo with me?
Kathi 16:08
Yes, absolutely.
Daisy 16:10
You see where it goes. So it has a very different angle to it. But people only get stuck in their feeling that, but I want that, I want that because I can't have it, then they start panicking. Oh now he's giving his love or his caressing or his endearments and his attention to Judy, instead of me. Well, if he really wants to give all his attention to Judy, instead of giving it to me, although we have a committed relationship, then I'm going to leave that committed relationship, only because I don't want it from someone who is not giving it to me voluntarily.
Kathi 16:46
Yes.
Daisy 16:47
So you see what happens in a relationship then, all of the sudden, we're equals again? So you want to play
with someone else? Okay, I'm fine with that, because I don't want to play with someone who plays with all kinds of people at the same time. Oops, and all of a sudden it's equal. So it's not I'm the victim and the other is the perpetrator.
Kathi 17:06
Yeah, I was just going to say that's totally taking your power back from it, so you're not a victim to it, is the way you think about it. And you've hit it on the head again, I think. And I think that jealousy, there's an old saying, right, the grass is greener on the other side? Well, there's a couple of answers to that. One is, that's because it's been fertilized by bull crap. (Laughter) The other one is the grass is greener, where you fertilize it. So where you put your attention to it, where you put your energy into it, that's where the grass is greener. You manifest exactly what you believe and what you say and what you do, right? So we've talked in the last episode about words matter, and how they can turn into physical reality, and that's the track I'm going on here. I think the same thing applies when we talk about something like jealousy. So you have to get to, as you've been saying, what's at the root of the jealousy? Why are you feeling this way? What is it really that's going on in this situation? In your mind?
Daisy 18:18
I personally stay away from the why, because the why is usually bringing us into hamster wheel. Because the question why leads us to all kinds of justifications, and our brain is an answering machine, I would not ask that question. I would ask, so what's the cause? Not why? What is the cause? Because it's more direct. So what causes me to do that? Because when I ask why, oh, because I'm not worthy. Well, I was always jealous. Oh, I'm just like grandma, she was always jealous. Well, everyone in my family was jealous. Or if I'm not jealous, then I'm not showing them love. Because let's say this, there are some cultures where jealousy is very important in a relationship, because if they don't show the jealousy, the other person, their partner in specific cultures, they feel oh, so she doesn't care for me anymore, he doesn't care for me anymore. And on the other hand, there are people out there, I've met a few of them in person, I even lived with one of them, who loved to make the other person jealous. That was their game. But why is that? Well, he almost did his teeth out with me because I'm really not in that type of jealousy. I made it more clear, so you must feel really insecure. So what is it that I'm not fulfilling so you need the attention of ABCD? If I'm not fulfilling what you're seeking in ABCD or maybe finding in ABCD, then I'm in the wrong relationship. So there's so many aspects.
Kathi 19:47
I agree. Absolutely. The reason I would say why is to bring an awareness as to why you're thinking like that, and then go straight to the what. That's what I do within myself. I feel like I have to recognize what I'm feeling. Why am I feeling that way and do a self-brainstorm?
Daisy 20:07
How long does it take you usually?
Kathi 20:09
A couple of minutes? Not very long.
Daisy 20:11
Then that's good,
Kathi 20:12
yeah,
Daisy 20:12
because there are some people they go on and on and on. And then they're a week long. And then they get into a very deep state of sadness, and they become very destructive in their behavior and self-hurt and become incapable of participating in life in a healthy way.
Kathi 20:27
Yes, I see what you're saying. And I agree, there are definitely people out there, I think the key thing that I learned was just not to stay there, bring the awareness and then figure it out, which is the step that really changes things. But I do think the awareness of it itself is something that a lot of people need to do more of, like a lot of people are not very self-aware around, they just react to the feeling. So if there's a jealousing, feeling, and then they react, and they don't actually even think the whole thing through, and what's what we want to encourage them to just stop in that moment, and look into yourself more, and instead of reacting to another person.
Daisy 21:10
I agree with you. That's a very important thing to do in many aspects of our lives. And that is why I suggest asking the question, what is the cause? Because when I ask what's the cause, what causes me to feel this way, instead of why, what causes me to feel this way is more direct in the direction where I can get data to do something with then. I give you an example. Let's say your friend felt jealous. Had we asked her, so how you feeling? Where do you feel it? What is the cause for it? Because maybe it's not even what happens right there. But maybe it reminded them of something that they felt and experienced in a very hurtful way and that triggered it and that made it even worse, or made the feelings even stronger. And then of course, they learned how to cope with that feeling of jealousy.
Daisy 22:00
Now, some people go and cheat on the other. So do you make me jealous? Now I go and find someone who's really just licking my wounds, mmh? Not virtually, not literally, but somehow emotionally. So the way out is finding out what is the root of it? Is it because well, I feel inadequate, everyone is making a joke and I don't know any joke, or also now they are having fun and of course, they leave me out because that's how my life is. That's the story of my life, I'm always left out, you see? Now then it actually goes back to pictures that they have in their mind.
Kathi 22:36
Mmm
Daisy 22:36
Or maybe it's going to the reconstruction of some memories, because let's face it, memory is not something factual, like a surveillance camera would record, but there are feelings and emotions involved and the reconstruction every single time we reconstruct it, it may change more often than not. They found that out when they did witness programs and they asked the witness one hour after an incident, one day after the incident, one week and one month, and one year or 10 years after an incident. And interestingly it was as if not the same person would have observed the same situation or incident. So it's a reconstruction. So it is more important to find out okay, so what happens within you? What happens within you when you feel that jealousy? Well, my hands are cramping and I get really angry and I get upset and I would love to punch them in the face, or pull their ears or I don't know, pick on the pimple in their face. I don't know, some kind of things that people may come up with. Now, the jealousy itself will not subside when we do not change our thinking around it. Period. Now, when we go to siblings, and let's say they are raised with a big difference of attention, let's say one is daddy's girl, and the boy sibling does not get any attention from daddy. That's survival, when they're little. So it's also parent's responsibility, how they raised their children to not even grow jealousy, because we weren't born jealous. It is, there something I want and I have the feeling I cannot get it. And then comes worse version of it, there's something I want, and I cannot have it, but Susie can have it and Angie can have it and Lewis can have it and Frank can have it. And then it makes me angry. That thought, not the action or the situation itself.
Kathi 24:28
Mmm
Daisy 24:29
It's how I perceive it, what meaning I give. It goes back to standards. When two people meet, let's say two singles, even if they never really thought about the details of how they would like to live in a relationship. If they want to have a one night stand or if they want to have a well just a short love affair. Maybe they want to have a side affair. Maybe they want to have just like sleeping around, which I personally totally disagree with because of the harmful consequences of it, what It does to the people. That's why I'm really not on to it. We can speak about that in another format, maybe, which is not even podcast format, my suggestion. So when two people meet, they already have somewhat an idea how the relationship will go or should go. Dangerous, dangerous, dangerous, if they don't speak about it. Let's say you and I, we met right last year in January. And let's say yeah, okay, let's do a podcast. And let's say we would never speak about the details. It could have turned into a complete disaster. Because actually, it's playing the lottery. Who am I playing with? Who am I podcasting with? So now it's all my responsibility? I thought it's all your responsibility. So you see, even in a fun project and mission and cause that we're working on here, in the Mindset Evolution, the Bald and Blonde, it goes down, okay, what's your standard, what's my standard? How can we find agreements? How can we build a bridge between your standard and my standard, and is it at all compatible? So when two people meet, and they choose to enter into a relationship, into a relation first, and then let's cross the ocean, right? With the ship, relation ship. I'm repeating this relationship, because I want our listeners to be able to relate to it when they have a picture in their mind. Because it becomes so much more logical when we see okay, before I enter a ship, I wouldn't go and board a ship with anyone. I want to have a relation with them first. I want to know how can I relate to them, or how they relate to me.
Daisy 26:37
And when we have a picture in it, next time when you may look for a new relationship, maybe business, maybe volunteering, maybe community work, maybe romantic relationship, choose wisely. And when you choose wisely, you will have less momentum, drive to be jealous. I like to go to the root cause. Look, if let's say you go on vacation for one month, and I would so like to enjoy that and I would so join that but I cannot fly into your area at this time. And I would love to participate. Now I can do two things. I can be jealous, and make my life miserable from morning to evening, right now she's sitting there and she's having a cocktail and she's having fun and she's dancing and maybe she's even doing some cooking classes, and she's probably making new friends and I'm sitting here all by myself and I cannot join. How is that going to make it any better? It doesn't. But when I am joyful with you, wow, this is amazing. She's sitting there and she's sitting in the cabana and she's dancing and they have a DJ and she's having the cocktails served and then she has the crab cakes served and the lobster tail. And this and now the fresh salad and the fruits, look at all these fruits, then I'm not even feeding into jealousy, when I'm joyful with you, then there's no jealousy.
Kathi 27:54
Yeah, I agree with that. And I was going to bring up us as an example too, because we've built such a great relationship in the last 18 months. And this podcast is our joint project. But each of us have separate businesses and separate brands, and online personas. And we've always made a point of being okay with that, that you will do interviews with people that are suitable for the realm that you like to talk in and promote in. And I do lots of interviews with a completely different type of audience and have a whole brand around my alopecia people, and we've always encouraged each other to be our best versions in whatever we're doing, whether it's the joint podcast or our own separate things. And I think it's a great example because I think it works because I want you to be your best version. I want you to be successful because I know you're doing it to help other people. And I want to help you do that as Daisy Papp, as SelfRecoding as well as the blonde in Bald and Blonde. And I think so that intent that I want to see you be your best and sharing the joy of that is what removes any possibility of jealousy.
Daisy 29:13
That's very smart how you see this because I agree with you. And it's not only smart because I agree, I agree with you because it's very smart. So I wanted to make a point here to clarify. So it is important though that in the very beginning we made it clear okay, so we have this project and we will make it as a priority just right after our own business. So it is not let say that I have five other projects and now they all are more prioritized than our joint venture, our joint adventure, and our joint mission and cause.
Kathi 29:47
Yeah
Daisy 29:47
So clear agreements. In the last episode we spoke about it words matter. And in the episode prior to that, we spoke about assumptions; do not make assumptions, ask questions. Kathi, how would you like to go on in the future now when we have, let's say, 10,000 downloads per episode? How are we going to handle that? Where are we going from there? Let's agree upon something. Let's brainstorm. We want to do it this way. Instead of me sitting here, oh, well, oh, yeah. And I plan it all out in my head, I don't even let you know and then at the end, I'm disappointed that you don't agree with me because I caught you just cold because you had no clue what was going on in my head, because I assumed you can be my personal mind reader.
Kathi 30:28
Yeah, that's so important. And we do a lot of that joint discussion and brainstorming. I think that's a big key to why our relationship is so great, and why others aren't, because they don't have the level of communication and equality that it takes to really create something that's that strong and enduring and equal. Despite we have different skill sets, we have different experience, we have different levels of knowledge, but we still complement each other so well,
Daisy 31:03
beautifully,
Kathi 31:03
because one of us is brilliant at this bit and the other one's brilliant at some other bits, that neither of them could swap that role. Like I know I can't edit. (Laughter) Audio, I put my hand up now, don't ask me, that's Daisy's department. (More laughter)
Daisy 31:20
Yeah. Let me go back to the jealousy just based on our example. Let's say I'd be jealous, because you were at this Expo and you met so many business people, and I'd be jealous. So now how is that going to help me? Now if I wanted you, to instead of going to the expo, spend time with me, (this is not the case, dear listeners, I'm trying to find an example that is understandable easily, that you can relate to.) Let's say I was jealous because she went to the Expo and I did not. Why did that happen? Because the expo happened in Brisbane, and I'm in Florida. Otherwise, I had gone with her and we would've had a blast! (Laughter). So if I'm jealous now, that means that I'm trying to deprive you of something that brings joy to you, that in turn would bring more joy into our relationship and because I couldn't have it, I don't want you to have it, so actually, I'm trying to deprive you because I feel deprived of your attention. It's really sicko, isn't it when we just dissect it in this little parts and pieces.
Kathi 32:26
Yeah, well, to me that just screams I need external validation.
Daisy 32:31
Maybe or maybe it is because I was always jealous and I never wanted somebody to go to an expo without me. Maybe there's something in my history in my life that expos need to be visited as partners and that's how we do it. Maybe that's my belief for whatever reason, I don't even need to justify it, but when I tried to take something away from you because I feel I would want to participate in it as well, then actually, I'm stealing from you. Isn't that the case?
Kathi 33:00
Well, yeah, you can see it that way. I think more importantly, is what you said before that it does nothing for you.
Daisy 33:07
What does nothing for me?
Kathi 33:09
Being jealous of the expo or the situation you're describing?
Daisy 33:13
Well, but I feel it!
Kathi 33:14
Does nothing for you does it? Feeling that way and staying being victim to that feeling does nothing for you?
Daisy 33:21
So you'll mean there's no return on investment? Well, there is because I will feel sour, I will feel angry, I feel maybe abandoned, I feel ignored.
Kathi 33:30
Nothing positive in it for you.
Daisy 33:33
Positive, you see words matter, sweetheart words matter. And even every word
Kathi 33:38
Yes, they do, I missed one out.
Daisy 33:39
You see how interesting it is. And it's so important that we then point it out to be able to communicate, if I would have let it sit and now start assuming okay, so what's she thinking and then I just jump to conclusions. And the mess starts so we're not going there. But isn't it the case that let's say once a week, the wife would like to go with her girlfriends for lunch, or for a walk in the park or meeting other friends? Or maybe she wants to go to the dog shelter with her friends. Now if she'd describe it upfront, let's say her husband is more on the jealous spectrum of his life. When she can say, look, this brings me so much joy and I like to fill up that container of joy because then I can bring it into our relationship and in our relationship, we will both benefit from it. And if he's then still very jealous, then I'd say hey, man, you have some work to do. Call me, find me. I help you. Is it important to realize that it's okay to have a playful jealousy? Maybe yes. I'm not in disagreement with that. But let's go to the root, because actually I believe it means that someone else has something that I cannot have. And because I think that way, it makes my emotions, energy in motion, and then I'm steaming and then I get upset and then I may say things I don't mean that way but only in that moment. And later on, I regret it or resent it, or maybe not. That's a different level of expressing anger, that I'm not even resenting what I said or even not even sorry.
Kathi 35:19
Yeah, I would say to that, to ask yourself, if that is what I want, then how can I get it for myself? Instead of thinking in sour terms of I can't have that or I don't have that? You can turn it around for yourself and say, how can I have that if that's what I want?
Daisy 35:36
Mmm, Now, let's go back to the two people who started dating, there are some people who are more monogamous than others. If I'm looking for a monogamous relationship, I think it is my responsibility, and
right, to speak up for that and share with the person I'm just seeing. Look, so this is how I see it. This is how I can see us evolving, this is how I can see us growing, maybe I want children, maybe I don't want children. These are very important aspects that can be stated and can be discussed out in the open, instead of assuming, and I can share my standards. I only want to enter a relationship where I can live in a monogamous, committed intimate relationship. That's my standard, personal. Now there are the people with different standards, nothing wrong with that when it's okay with them. And if they share that, from the get-go, from the beginning with a partner, of their attention. Very important, because then they are free to choose.
Kathi 36:34
Yes.
Daisy 36:35
And in the beginning, it's easier to exit than when we were already dating two years and now I find out yeah, well, he only wanted to play around or she only wanted to have me as you know, I'm her puppy dog, these situations exist as well. So I do believe that preventing jealousy would be the key. It's not about okay, so I'm jealous, then it's already defacto so what do we do, but what can we do proactively? When we are jealous, then it's usually not only that we are thinking, but we have that feeling. Maybe my heart is racing, maybe my legs are cramping, maybe my fists are tight. Or maybe I'm just getting sweaty hands or a sweaty forehead, or I start shaking and my voice starts vibrating. It is important when I feel jealous that I also speak about it. Look, honey, you went to the expo the other day, and I really felt left out. And I want you to enjoy, because you have the right to feel joy as well and find your inputs that are joyful for you. I just wanted to share with you that I felt really empty inside, I felt I was left behind. Now when I speak about it, then I give my partner, business ,romantic, platonic, community, I give the other person the chance to relate to me. They don't need to agree with me, oh that's stupid. Why would you be jealous because I went to the Expo? Well, I didn't choose to feel jealous. I share with you that I do feel jealous. And this is what happens within me, because when I feel jealous, then I feel that maybe I'm not enough for you. Maybe I'm not worthy. Maybe you're ashamed of me to take me to the Expo. Maybe you're afraid that I would make a stupid joke and embarrass you. Maybe that's the reason. That's how I feel. So you see, there's so many under the jealousy. The jealousy is just the symptom. It's the tip of the iceberg.
Kathi 38:28
Yes, yeah, absolutely. And I think that a lot of things are now coming into play as you're speaking about this, because we're now we're talking about intimacy, we're talking about trust, we're talking about communication, we're talking about words matter, we're talking about assumptions, expectations, we're talking about all these things, that interplay right here in this conversation. And by the way, we have done episodes on all of those, you guys (laughter), so if you haven't yet listened, please go back and have a look and have a listen to them all because this podcast itself is one giant conversation around our mindset and how we evolve ourselves to not be reactive, hurt, jealous, small beings, we want to encourage you to grow and be open and evolve and be the best version of yourselves and help those around you do the same. And this episode has gone super long, because it's been such a super interesting conversation. So I'm going to wrap it up here
Daisy 39:34
wonderful
Kathi 39:34
and say thank you, Daisy for the real insights in that conversation because it is a really complex sort of thing that happens to everybody, like we talked about, it's a human level. It's a human emotion, it's a big conversation about what we allow in our lives and future episodes to come, the standards that we allow as well. So look out for that episode coming soon. So that's it from us today. I'm Kathi Tait, thank you for tuning in. And thank you, Daisy, my partner in Bald and Blonde
Daisy 40:08
Mindset Evolution. And thank you so much for contributing and supporting our show because you spread the word so we can reach more people, you spread the word, and you help them to become also a self-developer. So I'm truly grateful, and we're super grateful for the contributions made to us because it helps our show to remain ad-free, because that's what I'm committed to. I don't believe that in our show, any advertisement has placed. So thank you so much, I talk to you next week, and bye-bye Kathi.
Kathi 40:41
Thank you, Daisy. And thanks for joining us for our episode number 50. It's a real milestone for us. Make sure you go back, listen to our early stuff. Let us know what you think and share it out with everyone. That's it from us. See you next week.
Daisy 40:57
Bye-bye.
Daisy 40:59
Thank you for tuning in to the Bald and Blonde Mindset Evolution podcast. If you love what you're hearing, please subscribe to our podcast. In our show notes, you'll find the link to our Facebook group where you can personally connect with Daisy and Kathi and the link to our website where you can find all of our previous episodes and much more of goodies so you can get more value. Please leave us a review on Apple podcast or Podchaser, that really helps out the show and helps us to get some powerful feedback from you. Talk to you soon.