SUMMARY KEYWORDS
standards, values, sarcasm, behave, people, life, speak, episode, based, respect, podcast, establish, important, absolutely, grumpy, find, humor, treated, waiter
SPEAKERS
Kathi, Daisy
Daisy 00:03
Bald and Blonde. Welcome to the Mindset Evolution podcast. Hear about tip, trick skills, tool, inspiration, mental hygiene, know what you want and how to create what you desire to achieve predictable results and create a content life wherever you are. And here are your hosts, Kathi Tait and Daisy Papp
Kathi 00:27
And hello and welcome everybody to another episode of Bald and Blonde Mindset Evolution. I'm Kathi Tait the baldwarrior, your host from Down Under and with me as always is Daisy Papp, your host from Florida Keys. How's the beach, Daisy?
Daisy 00:46
Oh, the beach is lovely. Hello world. Hello, my dear friend Kathi Down Under. My beach is wonderful and I truly enjoyed it this afternoon. I was studying some really amazing material and as I'm almost known as a knowledge vacuum, I enjoyed listening there, and I enjoyed the breeze and my lounger without the iguanas and it was really lovely. And how are you? Because I know it's winter, it's getting cold,
Kathi 01:16
I am great. Yes, it is getting a bit cooler over here, especially at night, but the electric blanket is on the bed and I've pulled out the jackets and jumpers. So we're all good.
Daisy 01:31
That is lovely.
Kathi 01:33
Today, I have a really interesting episode. Daisy, I think that this is something that we all need to stop and deliberately reflect upon, I'm not sure I was ever really taught it, and so it just didn't really ever be something that I knew about or thought about or ever put in my life because I wasn't really taught it and told to sit down and think about it. And that is our values and our standards that we have in our life. And one thing that I've learned, especially after working with you for a while now, that the standards that we have in our life dictate what we allow ourselves to be treated as, and how much we allow ourselves to be valued. So I think it's a really great conversation that we need to put out there to get people thinking about this stuff. What do you reckon?
Daisy 02:31
Well, thank you so much, again, for putting me on the spot. I truly appreciate. I do believe that it is a very, very important topic. I do believe it is almost mandatory for a content life to first know the values, and then based on those values, when they're so crystal clear that you really know what your values are. And then all that matters is behavior. So how you behave is all that matters, in reverse. And therefore when you have crystal clear stern values that make sense, and that reflect your value in turn, then you will establish standards, and you will never ever have to question the standards again.
Kathi 03:19
Right. Because they're based on those core values that resonate with you, I think,
Kathi 03:24
yeah. And this is where it gets interesting for me, because I instinctively had values as a mother, as a woman, protecting my child, most of my instinctual values kicked in around my son, when I had my son and I was fairly young, I was 21. So I had to grow up all of a sudden, and I'm not sure I really sat down and decided them or picked them from a list or really articulated those values ever to myself, I just sort of ran on what I instinctually felt was right. And I guess behind that instinct are what my values actually were or are.
Daisy 03:54
mmh,
Daisy 04:05
It's like playing the lottery. So I do believe that it's very healthy to establish a very clear list of what your values are. I have a principle that I teach my clients in the one-on-one sessions or in workshops and seminars that I do, that there's a list of values and characteristics, and they need to choose their hundreds of words, maybe not hundreds, but 150 words, and then people choose what they find attractive. And then we need to establish okay, so I find them important, or I find them attractive, and then we relate to it. So how do I behave based on these standards that I find important? Do I behave based on those at all? And if not, then why do I value them, but I don't even have them. So you see, it's kind of tricky, but once we become clear, it's a very systematic procedure that I walk my clients through in a weekend workshop, we can do it over the weekend. Otherwise, I give it as a homework for week to week or maybe after two days, they can give me a call. And then we discuss the next step so that we can become clear on our values. We all have them, but they're wishy washy.
Kathi 05:18
Right, because we've never articulated them properly, or really decided that these five are the most important thing. I was taken through this exercise, which is similar to what you're speaking about, and it started with hundreds of words. And we had to pick 10. And then we had to pick your top five of the 10. And then they made us actually put them in order as well. And think about each one individually, next to the other one in your top five, and go, which of those resonates more with me. And it was a great exercise. And I remember how impactful it was, which is why we're doing today's episode, of course. But you're extending that and saying now look at, do you behave like those values, I think is the actual Golden Nugget here.
Daisy 06:10
Mm-hmm.
Kathi 06:10
Because as we speak about often, we believe we are how we behave. And if you haven't heard us say that yet, folks, maybe this is your first episode, please go and listen to episode number one, "Who Are You", because it explains it perfectly.
Daisy 06:26
Yeah, that's how we started off season one, episode one. And it's quite a very great basic, where we can build up on a wonderful journey of self-development. Well, back to standards and values. There are many things that I would like to see in another person, and I may appreciate that, but okay, so I want that, I may even expect that. But we did another episode on expectations, if I remember correctly. There's so many episodes, I sometimes don't remember, because once you're over 50, like in numbers of episodes, so I cannot remember all the titles. We oftentimes have the tendency that I find it attractive in someone else and I wish that in my life, but then I do not present that or live by it at all. It's very interesting. I see it in some groups, in some communities, where they do have standards based on very simple values. And they live a very content life, because all members of these communities behave based on these values, because they are their standards. So you see they go hand in hand.
Kathi 07:36
Absolutely. Yes, I can see that very clearly. Yeah.
Daisy 07:40
Because otherwise it's like, okay, I pray the water, but I drink the wine, which is quite an old saying, right? But I believe sincerely that it is essential to have clear values, have them clarified within yourself, how you relate to them, why they are so important or attractive to you. And then to see within yourself, so in case I'm not behaving based on these values, then where I can take some corrective action.
Kathi 08:10
Yeah, absolutely. And I think that we need to point out too, it's not only how you behave to other people, but also how you behave to yourself.
Daisy 08:19
That's where it starts.
Kathi 08:20
Yeah, of course, and this is intrinsically linked into my learning was because I kept allowing toxic behavior in my life. And that was because I didn't have a standard around it, I didn't have this self-belief that valued myself high enough to put that standard in place at the time.
Daisy 08:43
But you cannot have the standards when you don't have clear values. And when you don't have clear values, you cannot have that self-belief or that kind of self-value,
Kathi 08:53
right,
Daisy 08:54
that you present,
Kathi 08:55
exactly,
Daisy 08:56
and therefore you will allow unattractive behavior in your life because it's not clarified. Now, in families, you can observe that where the parents both have clear values, and they behave based upon those and after a while, it becomes a habit. So it becomes their natural standard, then the children automatically also have that as a standard without ever questioning it. But this does not only go in a good way, but also in a negative way. When some people have very low standards, not to diminish anyone out there, please. Whatever I say is not criticism, and I'm not the judge, I'm not the jury. It's just I believe that self-development starts with self-observation, and then making a plan because it's not magic, anyone can do it. It's just simply that we were not introduced to the tools, and then we were also not taught the skills to use these tools. But today, we can change that because you're an adult, although our youngest listeners are teenagers and hello teenies all out there, I'm so glad to see you. And we are still almost in a race, male, female in our listeners, so that's absolutely mind boggling that we have both genders being so interested in what we're gifting to the world with our episodes. So standards can be changed, it's like habits can be changed. But there's specific ingredients. It's like, if you like to cook an Indian curry, you will usually use specific spices and specific ingredients differently when you want to make sushi, or if you choose to make a stew. So it is not magic. It's doable, and we want to give you the recipe to it. That's it.
Kathi 10:43
I love it. I love how you reiterate that everybody can do this. And we on purpose make our podcast reality based. We keep saying that, over and over, no woo-woo here, everything is practical, can be done in everyday life. And if you want some extra help, just reach out and talk to us. We're here. So yes, if you want some extra help, just reach out you can find us at baldandblonde.live, Instagram, baldandblonde.live, Facebook, Bald and Blonde podcast, and on our website, there's contact pages everywhere. We're pretty easy to find aren't we, Daisy?
Daisy 11:23
Yeah. Oh yeah, we're all over. And especially we have, as we know, based on our limited statistics, listeners in over 51 countries, which is quite amazing. So thank you so much. keep spreading the word to make this world a better place. But back to the values. So what is it that you value? So do you value for example, tidiness? Do you, for example, enjoy when things are quite well organized? Do you enjoy cleanliness? Do you enjoy laughter? Do you enjoy sarcasm? And if so, why is that? I have a different relationship to sarcasm because sarcasm is always, and I rarely use these generalizations, sarcasm is always hurtful, period. So that's my standard you see. Why? Because I value sincere communication. Say what you mean, mean what you say?
Kathi 12:19
Yes. I have a tiny bit of a different point of view, which is quite interesting on that, because I think that sarcasm is embedded in the Australian humor culture, and it's not meant with nastiness, it's meant as stirring someone up. And so sarcasm, I think can be used differently across languages and cultures, and can therefore mean different things to different people. So I don't quite take it to heart at all. Like, I think that you're saying it's always hurtful. Yeah, in our culture, it's not meant like that at all. Sarcasm is just part of humor.
Daisy 13:00
Here in America, sarcasm is part of humor as well. So it is in Germany or in Hungary. These are languages that I speak fluently, but there's always a part to it, when you think of it based on your values, say what you mean and mean what you say. And sarcasm is the opposite of that. Therefore, people say what they don't mean. And they mean what they don't say. And that already establishes the poisonous ingredient into fluent communication and respectful communication where you can build intimacy based on building trust.
Kathi 13:33
Sure, I actually agree with every single thing that you've just said. And I think that the understanding that it's said only in humor, whether it's in a stand up comedy show,
Kathi 13:46
or whether it's a conversation on the construction site, it is known and accepted and taken to only be a humor thing, and so can be kept separate from all of you're saying, and I think that might be a cultural thing. So that's really an interesting example of how values can vary. And then I would say that one of my values is respect. So I respect your right to you have a different opinion of sarcasm than I do. And on that I act, as I believe, I behave that way. Often, we disagree, slightly or to a greater extent, but we both respect each other's right to have these different beliefs.
Daisy 13:46
different,
Daisy 14:31
Yes, I enjoy sarcasm when it's in a theater play. When it's a comedy, absolutely, but not in my conversation. And if I were ever to use sarcasm, then I would announce it beforehand.
Kathi 14:47
Yeah, sure.
Daisy 14:49
You see standards and values. Now it is okay, now what do we do when we do have different values and standards. Instead of burning bridges, we can build bridges. Okay, so you see it that way, based on all that you've experienced in your life?
Kathi 15:06
Yeah.
Daisy 15:07
And that's okay. So I can respect it. And I can still keep my own opinion about it from a different point of view.
You see?
Kathi 15:15
Yeah, absolutely, absolutely. Maybe that ability is what is missing, because I think that there would be a lot less anger and hurt in the world if people communicated better.
Daisy 15:28
Therefore, I would cut off sarcasm in the first place, because it needs to be a very trustworthy relation where it can be used with a pre-announcement of it. I believe that's my standard.
Kathi 15:41
Yeah, the understanding that it is.
Daisy 15:43
Yeah, because let's say when you and I met, I would have used in our communication, much sarcasm, you could have not possibly learned me and learned about me and learned about my standards and where I'm coming from, because it's very confusing. So when we want to build clear and clean relationships, not clean, wash your hands every two minutes, not going there. But like, clear, clean communication. Say what you mean, mean what you say, that is when you can build really lasting, valuable, wonderful, loving and caring relationships?
Kathi 16:19
Yes, 100% agree. Yes. So how do people decide what their standard should be? Like, is there a short answer?
Daisy 16:30
Who am I to tell them what it should be? Who am I to tell them?
Kathi 16:35
Not saying that at all. How do you create a standard for yourself?
Daisy 16:39
Well go to the values first, what is it that you value? What is it that you would like to have more in your life? What would you like to have less of in your life? For example, you mentioned before that you had disrespectful relationships, or you had been treated disrespectfully in the past? So did I, no doubt about it. But when we change the values, and we realize okay, so I value honesty, instead of sarcasm, for example, I value respect, above gossip, or I value tidiness above chaos. So then we already have a tendency to establish a standard, when we repetitively, very important, behave that way, then it becomes natural.
Kathi 17:27
So, do it, live it.
Daisy 17:29
First choose it,
Kathi 17:31
choose it, then live it. Yeah.
Daisy 17:34
Choose it, integrate it, and then once it is your standard to behave as a respectful human being, like yourself, then when you meet somebody who is not behaving in a respectful way, either verbally or in their mimics, or in their gestures, in their behavior, in their mindset of how to do business, for example, then you will just clearly say, that's not for me.
Kathi 17:59
Yes,
Daisy 18:00
It is the same as if you go into the grocery store, when you know what you want, the aisle where you walk into, and then you pick it up and put it in your shopping cart or in your shopping basket, and then you go to the cashier, and you check out and that's it. You don't stand there in front of the shelf and remind yourself, this is what I don't want, this is what I don't want, I will not ever want it. You don't do that naturally. And once when you know what you do value and once you know what you do want more of in your life, and then you start behaving that way, now imagine what happens. People who live by that value and have it as their standard, live by that standard in their life, they will find it extremely attractive that you're behaving based on that standard or with this value, you see?
Kathi 18:47
Yes, yes, absolutely. And immediately, that's where my head went, but I wasn't sure how to say it without being woo-woo (laughter).
Daisy 18:59
So one more thing, I think is important to mention. We are all conditioned to a degree, you, me, I'm trying to uncondition myself on a daily basis. And sometimes I still realize, oh, wow, this is conditioned, and then I can change it once I become aware of it. That's the first step, the realization. And then in order for me to choose, okay, let me get closer to my standard, when it becomes more and more habitual, it's integrated, then you naturally behave that way, and therefore, the crowd, your audience, your friends, your connections, your work environment, everything is going to shift because it cannot, not shift. But it is not okay, so I'm the Emperor, let's say 2000 years ago in Rome, and then I'm expecting this and otherwise, you go to the Colosseum and then the lion is going to eat you. No, we are living in the 21st century. Let's communicate in healthy ways, with great standards. Let's speak about potty mouth. My standard in communication is no potty mouth. None, not even as fun.
Kathi 20:11
I know.
Daisy 20:13
Not even a sarcasm, not even a joke, I can see sometimes in theater place, they have some excursions of my standard, so around my standards, nevertheless, it can be a funny thing. Nevertheless, I still find it disrespectful and totally unnecessary. So if somebody is out there with a potty mouth, let's say I'm going to the grocery store and somebody I just engaged in a conversation with and then I realized they're potty mouth. And I'm just observing for the first time, I even mention it to them, I say, look, I understand that you have a style of expressing yourself, it's really hurting me. Guess what, they all apologize because they know it's no good. And they know it's not necessary. It not once happened to me that they would have said, well, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, and then use their potty mouth even on me. No, no. No, I help them to become aware and then they speak so nicely and so kindly. They were not born with a potty mouth, conditioned, became their standard.
Kathi 21:19
I'm having a silent giggle because I'm now imagining taking you into an Australian pub, full of miners coming off their shift, and I'm just imagining you transforming the way they're speaking, in this pub while they're drinking beer. I actually believe that you could do that. You could totally pull that off Daisy!
Daisy 21:43
I did, in the past! Not the miners in Australia, but I have been in pubs in Brisbane, not there where the miners are and it is very interesting that it actually catches attention, because I'm standing up for my standard. And interestingly, it increases the respect they pay towards me.
Kathi 22:04
Yes, definitely can see that, yes,
Daisy 22:06
I enjoy speaking to the homeless, I really do because I respect them just as a human being like you and I. And interestingly, unless they are intoxicated, they understand immediately, wow, I have a great opportunity here to speak differently than I used to. And actually, there's joy to be found in it. I do remember I was in Spain some years ago with a tennis tournament and they were seniors and it was important for them to have some mindful backup there, so I was helping them to win what they wanted to win, let's put it this way. And there was a waiter because we had breakfast together and to every table there was an assigned waiter. Interestingly, the waiter was very grumpy from minute one. And these were big tables, we were like eight people sitting at the table for breakfast and for dinner. And the people I was sitting with, they just grumped back at the grumpy waiter. And things got really worse. Then after that happening, we waited for 30 minutes for getting a new bottle of mineral water, or a glass of wine or beer or an orange juice. I asked into the round if they would mind if I'd handle the gentleman who was our waiter. So I started treating him with extreme respect. I do not speak Spanish and he had very limited English language abilities, but with my hands and my feet, seriously because I explained you know, I'm this and that and my little German he maybe understood two words of German and five words in English, we established such a respectful relationship, next day breakfast, our table was treated like no other table was treated. Because we, all of us then started extending to him that respect. Interestingly, he asked for my address, and he wrote me for years, postcards from Spain.
Kathi 23:59
Yeah,
Daisy 24:00
from that little island, Majorca. Very interesting. So even a grumpy person can be inspired to shift to a different standard, when we invite them. We're not expecting it, we're not demanding it, we inspire we invite them. Would you like to experience our conversation? Look, we're going to be here for 10 days would you like to have the next 10 days being in your grumpy mood and see grumpy faces around this table? Or do you want to shift it and let's have a good time all together. It was so amazing that the people around the table which were all tennis players, they were seeing an experiment in front of their eyes that they will never, ever forget. You see, standards and values. So when I treat a person with very different values, still based on values of high integrity, now then they will feel most likely welcome and inspired to experience something very new.
Kathi 25:05
Yes
Daisy 25:05
No matter where they come from, no matter where their standards, no matter what their values, because maybe they have never been introduced to a different level of value.
Kathi 25:13
Absolutely
Daisy 25:14
Maybe no one treated them like that.
Kathi 25:16
Yes.
Daisy 25:17
They never thought of it. Even you said that when you grew up, well, there were standards, and there were values, but you never really consciously thought about them, you see.
Kathi 25:27
No, that's right.
Daisy 25:28
But now we have a great chance to do it. This is how we change the world, one person at a time, always starting with self.
Kathi 25:36
Yes, 100%. I think that is a really great conversation about standards and values. And exactly what I wanted to share today. Thank you, Daisy,
Daisy 25:47
My joy, thank you for throwing this at me. I wonder if we can put it up on our website, I have that PDF where people can really take that inventory. And if they're interested, then there's a little description what they can do with it. But if they're interested, they can then contact us, and maybe we do a zoom meeting for those who are interested in getting into the next step. I'm more than happy to do that. Maybe we put it out as a PDF downloadable for free. How's that?
Kathi 26:15
Let's do something, absolutely. Go to the baldandblonde.live website and it will be there, a link to whatever it is we create for you from today's episode because I think that it's such a, such an important conversation. So I'm super happy that we've had a good one today.
Daisy 26:34
Thank you.
Kathi 26:35
And as always, thank you for your time, our listeners, we really appreciate the time that you put into listening to us. And thank you for sharing it with your family and friends. The more people we get this message to, the more people we help change their life.
Daisy 26:53
And thank you so much for your support. I'm kindly asking for your help. We want to keep this podcast ad-free. Because I don't believe that any break in our discussions in our conversations would be of value towards you. So please, when you can, please help us to keep it ad-free. We're doing this voluntarily, we put really so many hours into this, editing and we have our sound engineers, we take care of because they need to feed their families as well. So please, if you can, we truly appreciate your help. Thank you so much.
Kathi 27:29
And it's easy to do that, just go to baldandblonde.live website and support us on Patreon. There are buttons all the way down most of the pages where you can just click and it will take you straight to where you can do that, support us from as little as $5 a month like a cup of coffee, buy us a cup of coffee guys, we would love that. And that's it for today. Thank you for joining us for standards and values. Thank you Daisy as always, we
are Bald and Blonde
Daisy 28:02
Mindset Evolution, talk to you next time.
Daisy 28:06
Thank you for tuning in to the Bald and Blonde Mindset Evolution podcast. If you love what you're hearing, please subscribe to our podcast. In our show notes, you'll find the link to our Facebook group where you can personally connect with Daisy and Kathi and the link to our website where you can find all of our previous episodes and much more of goodies so you can get more value. Please leave us a review on Apple podcast or Podchaser, that really helps out the show and helps us to get some powerful feedback from you. Talk to you soon.