SUMMARY KEYWORDS
people, eat, snails, boundaries, find, power, important, teach, pork, rude, oftentimes, respect, trauma, podcast, washy, agree, definition, formula, knowing
SPEAKERS
Kathi, Daisy
Daisy 00:02
Bald and Blonde, welcome to the Mindset Evolution podcast. Hear about tips, tricks, skills, tools, inspiration, mental hygiene, know what you want and how to create what you desire to achieve predictable results and create a content life wherever you are. And here are your hosts, Kathi Tait and Daisy Papp.
Kathi 00:27
And hello everybody and welcome to another episode of Bald and Blonde Mindset Evolution. I'm Kathi Tait, the Baldwarrior, your host from Down Under, and with me, as always is your host from America, Daisy Papp, International Excellence Coach, and a very dear friend of mine. Hi, Daisy.
Daisy 00:50
Hi, my dear friend, thank you so much. Your introductions are so colorful and really bring a smile into my heart. Thank you so much. Hello to you and hello to the world. We're embracing the globe. And I'm sitting on pins and needles. What are you going to throw at me tonight?
Kathi 01:08
Wow, Daisy, I've got a doozy.
Daisy 01:11
What is a doozy?
Kathi 01:12
In Australia, a doozy means a real good juicy one.
Daisy 01:17
Well bring it on.
Kathi 01:19
Yes. Today we're going to talk about the value of "no".
Daisy 01:23
Wow.
Kathi 01:25
Yeah.
Daisy 01:25
So, it could also be called the power of no, because it goes both ways, value and power. Hmm.
Kathi 01:33
Actually, I really liked that power of no, I think that we might change the title. The Power of No, because I think you know that knowing how to say no is really important when it comes to setting our own boundaries. And it is not something that was taught to me. So, I was a bit of a yes, girl. Because for a lot of reasons, I think I realized that one of those reasons was because I didn't like to hurt anybody's feelings. I didn't like anybody to feel like I didn't want to help them or do something for them or whatever it was. And so I never really got very good at saying no, until I started learning about boundaries and what they really meant to people and we have done an episode on boundaries. So guys, jump back over there and have a listen to that. But today, I want to get your take on why the word no, is so powerful.
Daisy 02:33
Well, it's a clear boundary. It's not wishy washy.
Kathi 02:37
Yes.
Daisy 02:38
And it takes courage.
Kathi 02:40
Yes, it does.
Daisy 02:40
For many,
Kathi 02:41
yes, it does
Daisy 02:42
to say no. And I am a little bit with you on that. Because I was also more hesitant using the word no, also partially because I didn't want to hurt other people. And I'm extremely helpful. So, it's my passion, and it was since I was a little girl, when I saw that I could be of help, then I was there. I volunteered and I jumped in and I did it and I was supporting and truly, that helpfulness is probably somewhere in my DNA doubled or something like that. So maybe other people have more, some have less, I think I'm on the spectrum of little helpful and extremely helpful. I'm probably beyond the extremely helpful. And I had to learn to set boundaries that were healthy, so that it's not hurtful for the other person, but it's also not hurtful for me. Because if I'm not hurting the other person, but I hurt at the same time myself, then that's a really bad deal. Would you agree?
Kathi 03:49
Yeah, I totally agree. And I think that knowing how to do that balancing act is going to be really important for
all of us. Because boundaries are important to make sure that we have self-care in place, to make sure that we protect ourselves, to make sure that our own happiness matters. And I know that when you've perhaps been through trauma, or you're still learning about personal growth, and you want people to accept you and you want to be included, and I know that's how it was for me. And so that then made me want to say yes, all the time, so I wouldn't be included, and I wouldn't feel left out and that was connected to my trauma and my self-esteem, I think, but I'm sure that I'm not alone in that one.
Daisy 04:38
You're surely not alone because I can agree. And I'm very much with you on that because due probably to my own trauma as well, I was trying to be accepted more. And probably I tried to please more and to be included more because when you're an orphan, then you really try to hold on to many things that are healthy or unhealthy doesn't matter, because it somehow gave me the feeling that Okay, so I can hold on to it. And no matter how and no matter the cost, but I abandoned me and sometimes my emotional safety, my physical safety, rarely, but still I had encounters along these themes as well. So, the power of No, it does not really start with No, I do believe it starts with Yes. What is it that we can wholeheartedly say yes to? Are you in the mood to go and have a nice drink with me, Kathi? And then if you'd like ice cream, then you'd say yeah, of course. Yeah, I'm going. Yes. Okay, tomorrow at noon. Oh, one o'clock. Okay. 12:30. But if you're a little unsure, then you probably may be a little hesitant saying yes. Now, we can also be hesitant saying yes, when we are insecure, or when we are unsure. Oh, you want to come up on stage? No, well, yeah, maybe, yes, but no. So you see, there's, I think, a big discovery, finding out what we truly are about what we stand for what we agree with. And once that is very clear, then it becomes also more clear how to say no, the same happens vice versa, though. So, when I know what no means to me, so no, I'm not going to do that. I'm not going to eat dog meat. I know the neighbors don't trust me. They're safe. It's just an example. But if someone offered me, I can give you an example, snails. Simply two letters?
Kathi 06:43
I'm a resounding no on snails too, (laughter). Okay, so I think what you're saying is that part of this issue is knowing ourselves, and what we are comfortable saying yes and no to, but also what we want in our life. Do we want to try every food there is on the planet, including snails and frogs?
Daisy 07:07
No!
Kathi 07:07
Personally, no, I'm quite happy never trying snails, frogs, or anything to do the inside of an animal is never being eaten by me. So I'm quite firm about that. And I know that about myself. But in order to say no to that, I had to know that first.
Daisy 07:27
I so agree with you, it is truly the insight about our inside, my inner world. What is it that Daisy likes? What are things that she's in agreement with? What are things that are in alignment with her values, with her moral compass, with integrity, or the level of integrity that she enjoys living with, and living by? So in order oftentimes, though, to find out what I do want, I give you an example. So sometimes clients, they call me up, and then you know, we start working in the session, and then they tell me, yeah, but I don't want that anymore. And I say, so what is it that you do want instead? And they truly have difficulty finding out what they want instead, because they never really thought about it, because they're so emotionally glued to no, I don't want that. I don't want that. And I can understand that. So what I help them, then with there's a procedure, there are a few steps I can walk them through, anyone can do it. It's, I'm not even sure don't we have that on the website somewhere? How to find out what you do want? Maybe somewhere it is, if it's there, I promise, Kathi is going to put it in the link because she's the techie background superhero. She's thinking,
Kathi 08:42
I think that we may have done in our Facebook group, actually,
Daisy 08:45
Mmm-hm. Yes, yes, yes. Now it dawns on me. Well, maybe we can extend it and put it out for our podcast listeners. In order to find out what I do want. Sometimes it's helpful to go the other way the other route and find out what I do not want and then just take the sentence, write it down. I do not want to eat snails. Okay, what would you want instead? Well, I would like to eat fish, or I would like to eat some bread. And maybe I would like to eat some cheese. So whatever it is, so it's sometimes the easier way when we find out what we don't want to figure out what we do want. Now nevertheless, we first need to know our boundaries. How far do we want to go? Do you want to look at someone eating, let's say frog legs? Or let's say snails? Or are you so far that, no I don't even want to see it. I don't want to smell it. I don't want to have anything to do with it. Or are you okay? So you see so these are tiny nuances that are important to find out. Now we're only talking about food because then no one really finds it an attack on their personality because when it goes now okay, so do you like when your husband does specific sports and then he comes home and then he just undresses at the entrance and leaves his clothing there? Hmm. So we're not going into this emotionally charged territory yet.
Kathi 10:07
But it is a good subject because we're all humans and we all eat.
Daisy 10:10
Yes,
Kathi 10:11
Yeah. And I actually have a funny story about watching people eat something that I find unattractive.
Daisy 10:18
Yeah.
Kathi 10:18
And I was younger, I was attending TAFE when I was first to have my child and I was educating myself and I was friends with a Chinese lady and a Scottish lady. And me. It almost sounds like the start of a joke. You know, Sally walked into a bus. No, we're at a Chinese restaurant, Yum Char actually, and the girls ordered chicken feet. Now, I don't know if anybody out there and I'm sure there's some of you out there who've eaten chicken feet. But to me it was just, well astonishing for a start because I didn't know people ate chicken feet. And watching them suck and munch on these chicken feet. I think I was starting to feel a bit ill because it was just so horrid for me. And then they brought out the tripe. And I'm pretty sure tripe has something to do with the stomach lining, which is disgusting, just thinking about it.
Daisy 11:16
Yeah.
Kathi 11:16
And so I couldn't do it. I couldn't watch these two suck on these chicken feet. It was just horrid. So that's where I found my Chinese food boundary right there at the chicken feet.
Daisy 11:29
Yes, I feel you. I hear you. I've seen it in the villages on the countryside in Europe where people really make fresh chicken soup. And the soup is delicious. But I don't want to see what's swimming in that soup before it's served on my plate.
Kathi 11:42
I don't want to know what's in the soup.
Daisy 11:45
Yeah,
Kathi 11:46
Yeah. So, but no offense to anybody out there who wants to eat chicken feet, that's your choice.
Daisy 11:52
That's right. different tastes. But back to the power of No. So now that we see that it may be for the first time discussing No and the value of the No and the power of the No, because how often is it that we do have difficulties accepting other people's No. let's say we go out in a restaurant usually it's respected. When they ask you oh, can I bring you something else? And you say no, then usually they leave you alone. They may come again after a while another round and then they asked you Oh, can I bring you something else? And you say no, thank you. Please bring us the check. Now in family reunions, usually that happens a little different. Hey, come eat a little more. Yeah, you want to come have another drink? Oh, yeah. Oh, you want some ice? No, you want to try this cake. You must try this cake. And "no's" all of the sudden are like wishy washy as if it was just a sound pollution. No one understands all of a sudden, although it's really it's so simple. It's two letters, two simple letters. And it is so oftentimes ignored. But let's start with self. How often do we feel oh, I know I shouldn't do that. And then we do it, against the odds. So we're disrespecting our own no's. So let's wrap it up here. And let's go to the cheese of it. I need to learn what no means. Let's define it. What's your definition of no. And I have a cute story, I think I told the story in another episode. I was at a family dinner invited and the lady was making some pork, whatever in the oven and it smelled delicious, but I do not eat pork. There is no religious reason for it and there is no any other specific woo woo reason for it. I just don't like the taste of it. I don't really like the smell of it. So I'm no, don't. And it was a South American family and their definition of no apparently was very different than mine. And so they asked me so you're going to have some of the pork. And I said no, thank you so much, I can eat some of the veggies and maybe the salad. That's fine. I'm okay. Don't worry. And then they said yeah, but you must try it at least. So then the brother of the lady who was cooking came over and he said you can't do that. That's offensive. And I said I just don't want to have it. Well you could put it on your plate and then you just leave it and at least try. I said no. And they offered again and offered again. And after it what felt 100 times, of course it was not 100 times, maybe it was five times, six times, eight times, I don't know. But I really almost snapped although I'm very calm and I'm still friendly when I'm seeing other people would be really overboardly pissed already. And I said, well, what is your definition of "no"? It was rather the end of the harmonious evening, but I got to not have to eat the pork I didn't want to eat in the first place.
Kathi 14:48
Well, did they have a definition of "no" Daisy? Did they answer that?
Daisy 14:52
No, I got that look, it was non-verbal.
Kathi 14:55
Ah, because for me, this just feels like they don't respect your right to choose.
Daisy 15:01
Aha, there you go. So now you see where the power of no is. So if you do not accept my "no" for a no that I
mean, no, then you do not respect me or you don't take me seriously. And that's where the skeleton is buried.
Kathi 15:19
Oh, so this is like one of those red flashing light alarm moments. Because if somebody doesn't respect your
"no", there's a bigger play going on underneath there.
Daisy 15:32
Can be, oftentimes it's ignorance. Let's give them the benefit of the doubt. And I tell you why. I do believe oftentimes, it's ignorance, because we are not really used to that no meaning no. How often do people in relationship say, are you okay? Yeah, everything's okay. And it's not true. So what are we teaching our partner then? That my yes, may be a no. And therefore, it could also mean my no, could be a yes. Especially when my no was just said as in, no, I don't want it, because let's say I'm just a little bit upset with the other person and I don't want to give in, or I truly don't want it, whatever it is and I'd say no, and then the lines are not defined. So it is actually, let's go even a step deeper. We always teach people how to treat us. And when I share with you, you say eh Daisy, you want to do a podcast recording tonight? And I say, yeah, mm, that could mean a lot of things. But I did not answer your question. I know people who don't want to say no, because they find it rude. I have one specific client of mine and he believes that the level of rudeness is at its highest peak to say no, rude to him. No, equals rude. And he is a very polite gentleman, very educated, smart, gentle. So of course, he doesn't want to be rude, so therefore he will not say no, but how confusing is it for the people knowing him in business and family relationships, friendships? Because ah, yeah, well, he will never say no.
Kathi 17:10
Yeah. And I think if you don't have the ability to say no, you end up doing things you don't want to do.
Daisy 17:16
All the time.
Kathi 17:16
And other things come into play, like resentment.
Daisy 17:19
Mm-hmm. And then the confusion. Let's say, you asked me, Daisy, you want to do a podcast tomorrow as well? And I'd say yeah, no. But then an hour before we would record I call you yeah, well, you know, I didn't mean no as no, I yeah, I just said that, because I wasn't sure. So it becomes also undefined, wishy washy. So, basic rule of communication is, pay attention, is very important. Say what you mean and mean what you say. Period. Simple as that. So when you say yes, mean yes. When you say no, mean no. And that when you use that, and you're persistent, it will teach other people that yes, Daisy said yes. She means yes, I know her. And when Daisy says no, she means no. You can ask me a second time because of course, I could change my mind. Or maybe five years later, all of a sudden, maybe I do like spinach although 10 years ago, I didn't like spinach. I'm just making this up, I'm a spinach eater. So it is okay to reaffirm or reconfirm. But we need to start speaking clearly and communicate, say what you mean, mean what you say, that's where it starts. And then the power of no will become very powerful, because then other people will know when I say no, and it saves us a lot of drama, saves us a lot of misunderstanding, aggravation, arguments, wishy washy and securities, leaving someone hanging in the air. Be punctual, say it. But in order to do that, we need to find out more about ourselves. That's why it starts with self. The more we learn about ourselves, the easier it will become understanding other people. That's how we can create harmony in community and family, in relationships, and especially with ourselves.
Kathi 19:07
Yeah. And I want to just briefly talk about self because we said just a few minutes ago that often we say no to ourselves, and then do it anyway. And this was probably a bit of a thing for me being the queen of self-sabotage, as I was, that I would do things I knew that I shouldn't do. I would do them anyway. Because
Daisy 19:31
Yeah,
Kathi 19:31
I didn't care enough about myself at the time.
Daisy 19:34
Yeah,
Kathi 19:35
to do any other things. So I just want to briefly talk about it with our listeners out there because I'm sure that there's some of them that are stuck in their self-sabotage cycle. And I think it's important to bring awareness to this because self-respect is something that helps us learn how others are going to teach us, is what we allow in our life. But first, it's how we treat ourselves.
Daisy 20:07
I agree with you. But now how do we do that? So, The Formula for Finding True Love is the answer, I'm certain. And I don't say that to advertise because I don't care. Honestly, I don't make money on these books. Maybe I make $1 or two. So if you go out and buy that book, it's not really a benefit for me, monetarily, financially, but it's a huge benefit for me, when I know that you change your life, and you start the discovery of love, what love is, therefore, you will be able to increase self-love, and therefore you will be able to have loving relationships. And that includes that other people will accept your no, after you found out for yourself, what your likes and dislikes are. What is no? What's a no go, and what's an absolutely yes for you, that can so easily happen with the simple formula the Five Plus Two, super easy.
Kathi 21:06
Yes, it is a fantastic formula. And I hold dear the values in it that you speak about and of course, we've mentioned one of those, which is mean what you say and say what you mean.
Daisy 21:17
Exactly. That's it. That's where it starts, it's one of them. And it's very important, because once we consistently
say what we mean and mean what we say, now, that is when then I can start trusting me, therefore I can also stand more firmly and when I stand more firmly, other people will respect me because I'm consistent. That's when the moodiness just disappears. Well, you never know, depends on her mood if she says yes or no. You need to catch her in a good mood or you need to catch him in a good mood. No, no matter my mood, when I say no, I mean, no. I may change my mind. And I have the right to do so. But again, then another thing, slow down. You don't have to jump in and say no. Take your time. Think about it. It does not have to be your automatic response mechanism that jumps in and says no, or yes. Actually, no, not yes. So when we behave in a certain way, that we can be more secure within ourselves, we will step up in a different way. Therefore, other people will see us in a different way and they will never be able to treat us the same way as they did before. So the power of no is huge. Two tiny letters. Huge lesson to it.
Kathi 22:35
Yeah, certainly is. Well, I do urge you guys to go back and listen to some of our past episodes, those around boundaries and trust and love, because that speaks a little bit more about the formula for finding true love, Five Plus Two. It is available on our website, if you'd like to grab yourself a PDF copy, it is baldandblonde.live, go to the store and you'll be able to grab Daisy's book there. It's well worth it guys. And as you said, this is not about making money for us, it is about spreading the learnings that Daisy has accumulated over her many years of helping 1000s and 1000s of clients. Trust me, it is not hard to read, and you'll definitely get value out of it.
Daisy 23:22
Oh big time. When I work with clients one on one, eventually, sooner or later, I teach them the formula for finding true love. That's part of SelfRecoding. And I had a young lady, I taught her the Five Plus Two the other week, it was maybe session number four I had with her and she was sitting there she was quite silent. And I see her of course on the screen because we do Zoom and Skype, and I asked her, so can you share with me what's going on within you? And she said, Daisy, why is that not taught in school, should be mandatory. And I told her I'm working on it, Kathi and I we're working on it. So if anyone out there is a teacher, or if you know the principal of school, or maybe you are the principal of a school, please get in touch with us. I'm more than happy to share with you all I know about this formula, and you can teach it in a very short amount of time and your school will change. The children will change. Everyone will benefit. They will take that wisdom home and it is just like a beautiful pebble that you throw into the lake, and you see the beautiful rings and it's going so far you don't even know, we cannot even fathom how far it may go.
Kathi 24:33
Yeah, it certainly will change a whole generation once we are able to get it into more schools.
Daisy 24:40
Yeah,
Kathi 24:40
Yes, if you're a teacher or a principal, please get in touch with us. We'd love to share the concepts with you. For everybody else, go and grab the book. You won't regret it. And do make sure you go back and listen to some of our past episodes. If you are a new listener, we do welcome you to our family and that is it today on the power of "no." We hope this has been an interesting discussion and helped you think about when and where you say no or don't in your own life guys.
Daisy 25:12
Very important. I wish all our listeners out there that they will be able to increase their capability of saying no in healthy ways, in a slow way and when necessary in a fast way. And when they say no mean no, because that's the power of no.
Kathi 25:31
Absolutely. Thank you so much, Daisy for your pearls of wisdom, as always.
Daisy 25:37
My joy.
Kathi 25:38
This Is us signing off for another week. We will see you next week and we hope that you share our podcast with all of your family and friends and colleagues because the more people we can help, the better this world is going to be.
Daisy 25:53
That's right, for you, for us, for everyone.
Kathi 25:56
Yes, absolutely. Thanks for listening in guys. We are Bald and Blonde
Daisy 26:02
Mindset Evolution.
Daisy 26:05
Thank you for tuning in to the Bald and Blonde Mindset Evolution podcast. If you love what you're hearing, please subscribe to our podcast. In our show notes, you'll find the link to our Facebook group where you can personally connect with Daisy and Kathi and the link to our website where you can find all of our previous episodes and much more of goodies so you can get more value. Please leave us a review on Apple podcasts or Podchaser that really helps out the show and helps us to get some powerful feedback from you. Talk to you soon.